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Kymberlie Ingalls is native to the Bay Area in California. She is a pioneer in blogging, having self-published online since 1997. Her style is loose, experimental, and a journey in stream of consciousness. Works include personal essay, prose, short fictional stories, and a memoir in progress. Thank you for taking a moment of your time to visit. Beware of the occasional falling opinions. For editing services: http://www.rainfallpress.com/

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 4

Day 04 - Name a song that makes you sad.

Five For Fighting - Superman

This song immediately takes me to a time of despair, confusion, and longing.  The following is something written a couple of years ago.  Not much has changed.  In other ways everything has. 
“I’m just out to find the better part of me.  I’m more than a bird, more than a plane, more than a pretty face beside a train – it’s not easy to be me…”
          I want to be me, for a while - want to be me, free of any distractions, any problems, any … thing.  Or anyone. 
          Isn’t that a hell of a fantasy. 
I fight and manage to get through each day and on to the next one, but some days I don’t want to, and some days don’t know how I do.  I want to be a non-entity. 
A cloud.  A whisper in the wind.
          Some days I want to cry, too, but don’t know how anymore.  Some days I want to just move my lips and say something meaningful about my soul, but I don’t think anyone would listen.  Some days I want to yell and scream, beat my fists against a wall and kick a tree… but, what good would it do?
          I do write and lay bare my soul, and do it often, but in a way that I’m always trying to link my feelings into a web with yours.  A favorite writer of mine, Peter McWilliams, once wrote “these are your words, I only wrote them down.”  He hooked me when he saw right through me.  That’s how I write - I don’t always want it to be just me in the big bad world.  I need to feel that connection, to know that we see the common threads between us all.
          But this one… this is all about me.  And I’m struggling.  I don’t know how to do “all about me” very well.  To sit and spend an hour with myself, think only of me, talk only of me… I don’t think I can do that.  For instance, my thoughts are rushing around inside so fast it’s like the Autobahn in there, and yet I cannot seem to pull any of them together. 
And I’m tired.  Tired of sleeping, tired of not.
Tired of exhausting myself caring for others.  I watch over my friends, as the stern maternal one of the group.  I try to take care of my husband, making sure his needs are met and his load lightened.  I’m the go-to girl for my family when they need just about anything. 
When anyone asks if they can do something for me, or asks how I’m doing and genuinely wants more than a ten-second “fine, how are you?” answer, I have no idea how to respond.  I’m not trying to play the woe-is-me card, honest.  It’s nice to be someone that people can rely on.  But, sometimes.. just sometimes – I want to be able to rely on people too.
          I’ve been doing more things for myself lately.  Taking drives, reconnecting with old friends, carving out personal time for writing.  In doing so, however, without taking away from the things done for others, necessities such as sleep are sacrificed, and it wreaks its havoc.  It’s clouding my judgment too, or is it chasing the clouds away in a deluded clarity? 
          In discussing marriage with someone recently, I griped and grumbled a bit, and his response was “Don’t worry, things will get better.”  What is better?  Things aren’t necessarily bad, they’re just… different.  That’s the way it goes, right?  It’s not bad… we just move into different phases.  I suppose what’s going to count at the end of the day is how well you adjust to those growths, or differences, both separately and together.
          I want to do things… drive down the coast, just let my mind rest, and zone out.  I want to go for walks at night.  I want us to be whole, and I want to be whole, alone, as well.  It’s very important to be ourselves, and to be as one.  The freedom is there, to grow into the next person I want to be. 
          I just wish I knew who that was.  I don’t have a clue.  And am I grown-up enough to find my way?
          So this… this is where I am right now.  This is my pin on the map.  I need to figure out where my destination is, and hope that as I make my journey I don’t end up alone.  Specifically, I want my husband to be there at the next juncture.  There is a difference between being afriad to be alone, and wanting a particular person to accompany you.  I never, ever want to lose my husband as my companion, my lover, my partner, but I don’t intend to lose myself, either. 
Can I wonder, and wander?  Get lost and find my way back again?
Yet if I wander away far enough, it’s entirely possible nobody would come looking for me.
          “Men weren’t meant to fly with clouds between their knees.  It may sound absurd, but don’t be naïve, even heroes have the right to bleed.  I may be disturbed, but won’t you concede even heroes have the right to dream.  It’s not easy to be… me…”

~ October 31st, 2008
        Lyrics:  "Superman: - Five For Fighting

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